Metal Gear Merc
by Nukid
Summary: What happens when Solid Snake is followed around Shadow Moses Island with the infamous Merc with a Mouth Deadpool? Hilarity, and more 4th wall breaking than ever before!


**METAL GEAR MERC**

**Chapter 1:**

_**Alaska, Bering Sea…**_

The Ohio Class Nuclear Submarine Discovery glided through the cold Alaskan waters, growing ever closer to their destination, Shadow Moses Island. The submarine would soon halt its travel, knowing full well if they got too close to the captured base, the radars there would spot them without much trouble.

The single act alone could cause the deaths on millions.

Inside the submarine, while crewman were busy keeping the submarine going, the rugged figure of Solid Snake sat peacefully inside a One-man Swimmer Delivery Vehicle (SDV), garbed in full swimsuit gear and ready to head to Shadow Moses Island. Deep down though, Snake was still in disarray after all that had happened. Being forced out of retirement and into arguably the biggest mission of his life, all happening in a matter of hours.

And as his SDV sat idly next to the second SDV, Snake was reminded of how strange his partner in this mission was.

_**5 hours ago…**_

Solid Snake stood in a small dark room, smoking a cigarette whilst he listened to his former commander, Colonel Campbell who had recently brought him here, literally by force. He had retired from the special unit FOXHOUND a while ago, hoping to spend his remaining life in the Canadian wilderness, alone and by himself.

He knew the recurring nightmares of Big Boss's betrayal and Outer Heaven haunted him to this day, and his PTSD and heavy alcohol abuse made him dangerous to be around. Snake was content being by himself for the rest of his life.

Campbell however decided to visit…and by visit he meant sent hired troops to storm his home, restrain him, strip search him, take all his weapons and throw him into a jeep. A warm welcome for sure.

And so, here Snake was, about to go on the field once more. But from the beginning Snake could tell something was different about this mission…almost as if more was on the line than Snake had ever handled before, and that was saying something.

"The nuclear weapons disposal facility on Shadow Moses Island in Alaska Fox Achipelago was attacked and captured by Next-Generation Special Forces, being led by members of FOXHOUND." Campbell explained, "They're demanding that the government turn over the remains of Big Boss, and if they say if their demands are not met within 24 hours, they'll launch a nuclear weapon."

With that, it all made sense to Snake. Use the word 'Nuclear' and you had trouble from the start. Snake blew out puffs of smoke, taking in that huge piece of information. Nuclear missile, Shadow Moses Island, FOXHOUND members going rogue, and most of all…the remains of Big Boss. That one was the most perplexing. Money and power was what terrorists usually wanted, so why would they ask for a friggen' corpse? Corpse of a legendary soldier maybe, but a corpse all the same.

Solid Snake would've delved further, but he was distracted when he heard to loud people talking nearby.

"Mr Wilson, would you please sit still whilst I take your shirt off?" the young voce of Dr. Naomi Hunter pleaded. She was inside the nearby medical room, where Snake himself had recently been examined.

"Sorry babe. I'm just excited!" replied an unknown voice, one Snake had never heard before "this is the first time a lady WANTS me to take my shirt off. Usually when I try to take my shirt off when I'm alone with a pretty lady, they…kinda scream. A lot. That ever happened to you?"

"Umm…no."

Snake was about to ask whom that loud voice belonged to, but Campbell quickly interrupted "You'll both have two mission objectives. First, you're to rescue DARPA Chief, Donald Anderson and the President of ArmsTech, Kenneth Baker. Both are being held as hostages. Secondly, you're to investigate whether or not the terrorists have the ability to make a nuclear strike, and stop them if they do."

"Hmph, sounds like a walk in the park." Snake snorted with a laugh "so then, what's the insertion me…did you say 'both'?"

Campbell coughed nervously "y-yes. The White House decided it was too risky just sending in one operative, no matter how good he was. So we've been forced to send in another operative in with you. A mercenary whose known for getting the job done."

"A mercenary? You're kidding me!" Snake snarled with open disgust "the fate of the millions are at stake and they want us to use some hired gun? Who is this asshole?"

"Well he's-"

"OH GOOD LORD!"

Campbell and Snake turned to see Naomi Hunter run out the medical room, panting heavily, her face as pale as a ghost. "What's wrong Miss Naomi?" Campbell asked urgently.

"His skin…his body…it's…oh good god!" Naomi covered her face as she cried. Snake noticed a figure behind her step out of the room as well, and without a doubt he was one of the strangest people he'd ever seen.

The mercenary wore a red and black suit that covered his entire body, even hiding his face. On his back were two sheathed katanas, and on each side of his waist was a holster for guns along with several other contraptions. As the mercenary entered the room, Snake could see him only just putting his mask back on. He scratched the back of his head, almost seemingly hurt by the young Doctors reaction

"Well geez, if you thought my face was bad you should've seen my crotch. Ain't a pretty sight. If you thought Doctor Manhattons testicles were obscene then...oh hey there!" the red dressed Mercenary suddenly greeted, walking over to Solid Snake with a newfound optimism.

"Snake, meet the mercenary you'll be working with on your mission" Campbell stated. Snake raised an eyebrow as the Mercenary extended his arm in greeting.

"Pleased to meet ya! The name's Deadpool! My hobbies include killing, talking and my lifetime dream is to one day talk someone to death! It's a great pleasure to finally meet ya, Solid Snake!" Deadpool greeted. Snake stared at the hand momentarily, wondering just who or what he was dealing with. He dressed almost like one of those cheesy superheroes, and yet he passionately talked about his sociopathic hobbies. Well at least he was honest.

"Pleased…to meet you" Snake said slowly, taking Deadpools hand and shaking it. Deadpool pulled his arm back, and his hand fell off.

"Oops, sorry! Does that sometimes" Deadpool chucked with embarrassment. He took the hand from the frozen with shock Snake, placing it near the bleeding wound, and in a moment of seconds, his hand had reattached itself to his arm. Snake was officially at a loss for words.

"Well now, since Deadpool was briefed earlier on the mission, I will now tell you both about the FOXHOUND operatives who have caused this incident" Campbell stated.

"Oh boy, I can't wait to hear who we get to kill!" Deadpool jumped up and down excitedly like a child. He took a seat next to Solid Snake and listened attentively.

"There are six members of the renegade FOXHOUND involved in this terrorist activity. First, there's Revolver Ocelot, a specialist in interrogation and a formidable gunfighter."

"Question!"

"Yes, Deadpool?"

"What's an Ocelot?"

"W-what?" Campbell stammered

"I said what the heck is an Ocelot?" Deadpool asked

"Well, erm…it's kinda like a wildcat." Campbell replied. At this, Deadpool scratched his head.

"Oh…Well then what's a cat doing in FOXHOUND? Shouldn't he be like "Revolver puppy dog" or somethin'?"

"Deadpool, that is not important right now" Campbell stated. "the second member is Sniper Wolf, a beautiful and deadly sharpshooter."

"Question!"

"What is it Deadpool?"

"Why is there a wolf in FOXHOUND?"

Campbell slapped his face and growled "it doesn't matter what their codenames are Deadpool! Please take this seriously!"

"Mmmm…" Deadpool grumbled.

"The third member is Psycho Mantis, with his powerful psychic abilities, and then there's Decoy Octopus, a master of disguise." Campbell explained.

"Hmph. So now they're not even mammals anymore." Deadpool growled angrily "Steve Irwin would roll in his grave!…If he wasn't actually dead yet."

"Deadpool, shut up!" Campbell snarled. Breathing in deeply, he continued, "the fifth member is Vulcan Raven…"

"Oh now this is just getting silly."

"DEADPOOL!" Campbell shouted, with lungs Snake believed could no longer shout like that "One more stupid comment like that out of you and I'll have you do 100 laps around the base! Do you understand soldier?"

"Sir yes sir! Sorry sir!" Deadpool barked, standing up and saluting. He quickly sat back down and sat attentively, not daring to move a muscle. Snake was starting to doubt now if any of this was for real. Had he been taking drugs recently?

Campbell sighed once more "the final member, and the FOXHOUND Squad Member, Liquid Snake."

"Liquid…Snake?" Deadpool repeated. He then turned to Snake inquisitively, "dude…this guy's plagiarising your code name!"

"I suppose you could put it that way, but…" Snake was cut off when Deadpool grabbed him by the shoulder, staring passionately at the gruff former FOXHOUND Agent.

"Don't worry old pal, I happen to know a great lawyer who helped me in a similar situation! There was this ass named Deathstroke who was plagiarising my character -I mean yea sure he was made before me but who gives a shit- and he was able to bring a lawsuit against that bastard!"

"And…did you win the case?" Snake asked.

"No, we lost the case, and then Deathstroke sliced off one of my testicles…I miss Jimmy."

_**End flasback….**_

And so, here was Solid Snake, waiting to be literally shot out from the submarine towards Shadow Moses Island, along with strange Mercenary with a fitting nickname, the 'Merc with a mouth' Deadpool. Suffice to say, there were a handful of people Snake would've rather worked with.

"_Hey Snake?" _Deadpool called out through the wireless intercom between the two SDVs'.

"Yea?"

"_That hot doctor Naomi Hunter…did she inject anything into you?" _

"Well, now that you mention it, she did. Probably just something to help our immune systems. Why do you ask?"

"_Just seemed strange to me. Doctors normally tell ya what the injections for" _Deadpool pointed out, which Snake conceded was a good point. _"all I got off of her was a slap."_

"Why did she slap you?"

"_Well, told her I'll only let her stick something of hers inside me if she let me stick something of mine inside her…"_ Deadpool sniggered _"hehe, if you know what I mean?"_

Snake growled, "Yea, I know what you me-"

_"I'm talking about my penis."_


End file.
